This is me, on Yoga.

Here goes my ego-post of the century.

I posted this image of myself on Facebook the other night, and it had a multitude of ‘likes’ and comments.  It was a great ego-boost as my self-esteem has done a serious nose-dive since child bearing…

Being a mom has destroyed every last ounce of confidence I once had, and every care of how I may look…

Leave it to Facebook and my lame (and rare) attempt at a self-portrait to start building back up my ego-self.  But there’s another story here… a yoga story.  And a hair story.

THE YOGA STORY

I am the type of person that just does not stop.  I go, go, go and my body pays the price.  Yoga has saved me mentally, emotionally and physically.  In May 2012 I moved into a new place, and started a new life.  The intention was to finally make roots, create a safe sanctuary-like home, and slow down.  That lasted four months.  Then I went full fledged back into business, started working a part time job, and was raising my son alone.

It is now May 2013, and my head is spinning and I have no time or space for me.  I look around at my ‘sanctuary-like home’ and wonder when will I have time or energy to get the never-ending-pile-of-laundry done?  I need to unload the dish washer so I can reload the dishwasher. I need to take the garbage out again?  Already?  Oh yes, Miles dinner is coming just one more second!

This is a type of chaos I realize will never change.  This is my life now.  I’m trying to make it work for me… But with every shaky hand, and teary eye, I try to strive ahead yet know my nerves are shot.  When I try to explain this to people I am mostly confronted with unsympathetic responses.  The message is clear ‘get used to it’ or ‘if I did it, you can do it’ or my favorite ‘crying doesn’t help anything’… no, clearly it does not.  I wish I could stop, haha.

Sigh.

So back to the picture.  That night I was feeling ‘extra shaky’ and decided I needed to do some yoga.  I cleared off a spot on my bedroom floor and laid down.  I was surprised  to feel how fast my heart was beating, how my nerves were shaking, and how shallow my breathing was. I started deepening my breathing then opened with sphinx, played around in some butterfly postures, about ten minutes in an intuitive forward bend, lots of breathing… calming…. centering… feeling the lightness fill me again… I am okay.

Truly, I am more then okay.

When I bring myself to center with yoga, there is nothing but peace within me.  I look around at the life I have created, and it is full of love.  I have a happy healthy son, my business is beginning to prosper, and I DO have my sanctuary-like home (even if it is a mess).

I have my freedom to choose, and I choose peace.

THE HAIR STORY

When I was finished yoga, I felt like I had gone through a rebirth.

Feeling groggy I went to brush my teeth for bed, and I hardly recognized the person in the mirror.  When did my  hair get so long?  I have colour in my face.  My eyes are bright and clear again. I kind of look… good?  Still tired, but good.  I took the photo above (I still see tired eyes in it, but I look peaceful and that was what I wanted to remember/capture).

The long hair has extra symbolism for me because during my Yoga Teacher Training in 2004 my teacher told us it symbolizes strength and endurance.  I have always been more of a fan of the Buddhist view, they shave their head in symbolism of rebirth, letting go, and non-attachment.  For many years I have kept my hair short (not shaved, just short) but this year has been so chaotic I have had not a minute to think about hair-cuts or self-care.  When I see my long hair now, and think about the symbolism of strength and endurance, I see the truth in it.

Thank you Facebook friends for all your ‘likes’ and fun comments that inspired this post.

This is me, on yoga.