2018 lay waste to anything in my past. I was indirectly forced to diligently and continually release all that no longer served me. I restructured my life so that ONLY the bare necessities remained. I stream-lined my schedule to minimal work, minimal socializing, and minimal stress. There was a lot of closure on old relationships, letting go (or saying no) to old business dreams (and making way for new ones), and letting go of a job I loved for the well-being of my family. I suppose you could say it was a year of necessary sacrifices for long-term goals and future stability. It’s been hard.
It can be so easy to go to dark thoughts about life. To feel discouraged by life. To feel angry and resentful, and victimized. Yet, that has never been my style; and yet still, as I was laying in bed recently, reflecting on 2018, I went there. I went there, and I realized that this self-employed, single-mother, independent-woman life-style is INTENSE. I was stewing over so many things, way beyond my control, and beating myself up for making so many stupid decisions in my life. Ultimately though, they were my choices. I created this life quite consciously. I often pride myself on being a master-manifestor, so why all this sadness and anger and confusion for this dream-life I am living? Because people are assholes (there, I said it!). Because life isn’t fair, and it never will be. Because no matter how much you give to others, there is no guarantee they are going to give back. I was feeling disappointed and disheartened.
So I went into this very dark downward spiral of thoughts… and after hours of tossing and turning in bed, I concluded that none of what I was worrying about really matters. I can’t change the past. I can’t change other people. I can’t fix other people’s lives for them, no matter how much I want to. The only thing I have control over right now is me and my own life, and making the best choices possible moving forward. I thought of Mother Teresa’s wisdom I stumbled across many years ago… Regardless of what other people do… “Forgive them anyway… Be kind anyway…. Be honest anyway… Be happy anyway… Do good anyway… Do your best anyway…” and so, I will continue to do so.
WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER
I know I am not the only one who has had life turned upside down this year. In fact, my inner turmoil is tame compared to what many are struggling with. So what are we going to do moving into a New Year? Set some goals? Practice self-care? Get a new job? Go back to school? New home? New relationship? Release old ones? Delve fearlessly forward? Or even just practice gratitude for the wonderful things we already have, or have had…
I’m not sure what I am going to do quite yet… for me, this is a time to gather lessons of the past and make a plan for future dreams: Write my yoga manual I keep putting off, save money for an art trip to Iceland, and find new ways to expand my business (child and youth work). The vision is hazy, but will take form in time… stay tuned!
STAY IN TOUCH
Wishing every one of you a bright and abundant 2019 full of peace, love and adventure!
~ Namaste ~